Quotes by Henny Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!"

A little man is running a Jewelry store. A man runs in saying "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says "C-C-C-Come in?"

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

A person asked me "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The Co says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

If I had blood, I'd blush.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Take my wife, please!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.