My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. 
I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to knock you into 
the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, 
you're not going to the town with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your tea!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the muck on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all those sprouts are finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a hurricane swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; 
would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - 
Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in 
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, 
they are going to stick like that "

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOUR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

High School/Jr.High

 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
 20 END
 

First year in College

 program Hello(input, output)
 begin
 writeln('Hello World')
 end.
 

Senior year in College

 (defun hello
 (print
 (cons 'Hello (list 'World))))
 

New professional

 #include 
 
 void main(void)
 {
  char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
  int i;
  for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
  printf("%s", message[i]);
  printf("\n");
 }
 

Seasoned professional

 #include 

 #include 
 class string
 {
  private:
   int size;
   char *ptr;
  public:
   string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
   string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
   {
     ptr = new char[size + 1];
     strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
   }
   ~string()
   {
     delete [] ptr;
   }
   friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
   string &operator=(const char *);
 };
								     
 ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
 {
   return(stream << s.ptr);
 }
 string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
 {
   if (this != &chrs)
   {
     delete [] ptr;
     size = strlen(chrs);
     ptr = new char[size + 1];
     strcpy(ptr, chrs);
   }
   return(*this);
 }
 int main()
 {
   string str;
   str = "Hello World";
   cout << str << endl;
   return(0);
 }
 

System Administrator

 #include 
 #include 
 main()
 {
  char *tmp;
  int i=0;
  /* on y va bourin */
  tmp=(char *)malloc(1024*sizeof(char));
  while (tmp[i]="Hello Wolrd"[i++]);
  /* Ooopps y'a une infusion ! */
  i=(int)tmp[8];
  tmp[8]=tmp[9];
  tmp[9]=(char)i;
  printf("%s\n",tmp);
 }

Apprentice Hacker

 #!/usr/local/bin/perl
 $msg="Hello, world.\n";
 if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
     while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
         $outfilename = $arg;
         open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || 
             die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
         print (FILE $msg);
         close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
     }
 } else {
     print ($msg);
 }
 1;

Experienced Hacker

 #include 

 #include 
 #define S "Hello, World\n"
 main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
 

Seasoned Hacker

 % cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
 % a.out
 Hello, world.
 

Guru Hacker

 % cat
 Hello, world.

New Manager (do you remember?)

 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
 20 END
 

Middle Manager

 mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
 Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
 I need it by tomorrow.
 ^D
 

Senior Manager

 % zmail jim
 I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive

 % letter
 letter: Command not found.
 % mail
 To: ^X ^F ^C
 % help mail
 help: Command not found.
 % damn!
 !: Event unrecognized
 % logout

Research Scientist

        PROGRAM HELLO
	PRINT *, 'Hello World'
	END

Older research Scientist

	WRITE (6, 100)
    100 FORMAT (1H ,11HHELLO WORLD)
	CALL EXIT
	END

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
20. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
21. You have enough clothes.
22. You have too many shoes.
23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
24. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow."

- Bruce Elgort